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| Also available in burgundy. |
Strictly speaking, the Bible is a collection of books, and every Church has a different opinion of what books actually belong in this tome (books that belong are canonical; books that don't are called apocrypha). To make things more complicated, there are different versions of the Bible according to the various translations that have been distributed (Masoretic, Vulgate, Douay-Rheims, King James, New International). This makes picking a Bible tricky, but the King James is the best bet for a fair weather fan.
Keeping it simple, these books have been divvied into two overarching sections: The Old Testament (How the Jewish faith came to be) and the New Testament (How the Christian faith hit the scene). Understandably, Judaism pays short shrift to the NT, with only the Old Testament forming the Hebrew canon, known as the Tenakh.
As an aspiring RE teacher, it's a book that I should know a fair bit about, but such is its magnitude and depth that you can only ever hope to scratch the surface on a first reading.
So to give a quick review... God makes the universe in 6 days; the sixth day being the day human beings are thrust into the world. The world then is a paradisiacal place, until Adam and Eve (the first humans) choose to partake of some fruit (widely believed to be a quince, don't you know?) that God expressly forbade them to eat. They get unceremoniously ejected from utopia and the world as we know it is born. A&E have children, lots of them, who kill each other and have more children and then grand children etc etc, until we get to Noah. He builds an huge ark and collects loads of animals (NOT IN PAIRS), because God is angry again and decides to start the world over by drowning everything. More generations pass, humans get scattered across the world and Abraham dutifully almost kills his son Isaac (much to the amazement of Soren Kierkegaard). As a reward, Abraham's people become the people of God. More generations, Israel is made (aka Jacob), and the Israelites are enslaved in Egypt. Moses frees them with some help from God and leads them for 40 years through the wilderness to a land promised to them by the aforementioned deity. After laying down the law (10 of them), Moses himself doesn't get there, but the rest of Israel beds down. Israelites become insolent; judges keep them in check (including strongman Samson), Israelites become more insolent; kings keep them in check (including giantkiller David and wise builder Solomon). Israelites become downright depraved, God gives up on them, tells prophets that someone is coming to sort them out.
A virgin gives birth to a man who is also God and this man is called Jesus Christ. He goes missing for a while, then comes back and lays down some meaty chunks of righteousness. He rejigs the commandments, makes miracles and says that God is coming so everyone should fix up, and love one another, which is a really nice philosophy. 12 people take this VERY seriously and follow him around the country, but unfortunately lots don't like him, as he's undermining a lot of people in power. One of the 12 gets paid off to betray him (what a Judas!) and JC is captured to be crucified. He has a poignant moment of humanity on the cross and dies, only to save his greatest work till last and be resurrected 3 days later. He returns to the now 11 friends and they go about spreading his message will a little assitance from the Holy Spirit (also God). This continues through Paul (a former hater of all things JC) and others, and we end with a fiery prophecy about the end of the world.
Ok, it wasn't quick but it really is that involved.
Q&A
So why read it? I'm not really sure if it is worth reading in its entirety, but the fact that it is the foundation of faith for over 1/5 of the world is reason enough. Not to mention, that it serves as the spine for much of our jurisprudence, ethics and politics.
How long will it take? Took me around 4 months, and I was pretty disciplined in my approach.
How can I use it in conversation? It's quite difficult because you don't really want to be THAT person. However, I think it is useful just as a platform from which to build on- you'd be surprised by how influential it really is.
Give me something good to say about it. "And what's interesting is that Matthew's Sermon on the Mount marks a watershed moment for Judeo-Christian morality, marrying what is 'right', as previously expounded as Mosaic law, to Christian eschatology and the promise of the world to come."
Give me something controversial to say about it. "Jesus is by no means the 'Godman'- he is a visionary secular humanist. Only those who followed him (Paul, the authors of the Gospel) saw it fit to ascribe him with the mark of divinity, and this was of course for their own evangelical purposes."
Best quotation? "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" John 3:16.
Is it like anything I would know? EXACTLY like that Simpsons with the Bible stories.
If this was a movie, what would the tagline be? "The greatest story ever/spuriously told" Delete according to belief.
Who would star in it? Morgan Freeman as God, Mel Gibson as Moses and Keanu Reeves as JC. It would tank.
Any good? I dunno, it's alright.
FINAL SCORES
Entertainment- 3 Drier than the wilderness where Christ was tempted for the most part, but starts well and does pick up at the end.
Sex Factor (out of 10)- 6 From the dreamily romantic (Song of Songs) to the downright freaky (Lot and his daughters), the HB has it all. However, it wasn't written to titillate and is also VERY anti-sex in a number of passages.
Blood type- O, as in "O, I'm surprised at how violent a book that on many occasions, explicitly tells you not to be violent, can be."
S***s and Giggles- 0 As sober as it comes, the HB is not for when you need cheering up.
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